I tend to be a perfectionist, in everything I do. I tend to overcomplicate stuff, to precisely follow direction. When something gets to me differently than expected, I panic. I have an obsession in planning every moment of my life so nothing can slip away. The real obsession is making me sad. Sad because life does not go as you plan. Or as you think it will go.

I did not have a clue of what I wanted from my life 10 years ago. I only had this admiration for the iCub robot. I know that I wanted to work with this robot and I would have done anything to reach this dream. This was the only direction I had. Choices were made to follow this path. I started a bachelor in computer engineer. After 4 year I got depressed. Me and my ex-boyfriend broke up. I was lost and I did not have any clue of what my future hold for me. So, I started to work for a company and, in the meanwhile, I met my actual boyfriend. I did not like the job but I had the independence I wanted from my parents. Then in 2020 the COVID period started. I decided to move in with my boyfriend. I have never thought of moving in at the age of 23 but I did. I continued working and studying. We got a cat. In 2021 I got my degree in Computer Engineer and soon after I started my master in Artificial Intelligence. In 2023 I quit the work and I return to study. In 2023 I got depressed. Now in 2024 I’m still confused of what to do with my life.

Following this admiration for this robot has driven me crazy. In my brain there is this idea that if I do not follow this dream I will completely be lost. But I am wrong, and I know it. Life does not go as you plan. You shall take life for what it is, the good and the bad. You shall learn from any mistake, any achievement, any flaw. And move on.

I have never planned to move in with my boyfriend, I have never planned to have a cat. But I think that are the most important things in my life. And I am grateful for it. As my speech therapist told me: sometimes you shall let go your dream. Not because you cannot achieve them, but may they are not meant for you. They were meant for you in the past, they have driven you till the present. Maybe the dream you had when you were a kid is different from the dream you have now as an adult. And as changing your life is scary, maybe changing your dream, the one thing you thought it was what moved you it is the scariest thing of all.

In my last post I worth “The dream or priorities you have may change during the process. Never be afraid of change.” Maybe this is what is happening to me, and this is why I’m experiencing so many ups and down. And I should not be afraid of it. I should accept those sensations with open arms. And if you are experiencing something similar, you are not alone. Just take your time to heal and listen to yourself. Try to understand what is best for you, event though this may seem difficult. If you try, you make a step toward what you think it is best for you. So never give up. If you think something does no more suit you, change direction. Sooner or later you will fine the road meant for you.

Thank you for reading. Hope you have a nice day!