I feel a void in my stomach, I feel as if I am lost, again. I am waiting for this afternoon eagerly. I want my diagnosis. But, at the same time, I do not want that moment to come. It will mean that I will know more about myself and it scares me. From one side, the outcome will give me tools to give a reason for all my difficulties. From the other side, it means I shall accept something I have or something I am. It is not easy. Mixed feeling came to my mind, and I feel paralyzed.

I have just listened to a song named ‘I’m not Alone‘ by Montana Tucker and at some point she sings:

“I know that I’m different
I know that I’m not too bad
I wanna look back and be able to say I gave it all I had”

This is a bit how I am feeling now. I am making hard decisions for my happiness. I do not want no more to feel in this way. To feel unable to control me, unstable, unhappy, stuck. I want so bad to react, to breathe again, to be free, to be me. At all costs.

I’m used to telling myself very bad think that I am too old to change, too stupid because I’m not able to carry on my studies in this university. At some point in my life I was both working and studying. I burned out. Then I decided to stop working and continue studying at that university, I got depressed and I am still recovering from that period. But I want so badly to work in robotics. I want to help people that have my difficulties either to web/mobile applications or through robots. That is my goal in life. Sometimes I fell it is a very unreachable goal because its years since I had this in mind but I have never accomplished anything to pursue it. But I am hopeful and I am very motivated to try to reach it. I do not want to look at the past and be unhappy about my life. I want to look back and say: ‘WOW I made it. Or, at least, I gave everything I could to try’. I do not want to have regrets about it, only happy memories. I also have in mind the sentence ‘never be afraid of change’. That is what gives me the fuel to go on and try.

If you are in a period like mine, do not feel alone. Trust your feelings, be patience with yourself and love yourself. It is the key for everything.

Thank you for reading. I wish you a nice day!