Hi. It has been a long period of time since I last wrote a post. It has been a really crazy period. I left you with by saying I had another diagnosis, but without telling you what it was. And now I think I’m ready to tell you the truth.

I had a very difficult period since I have started writing this blog. I was severely depressed and my anxiety was at its peak. I didn’t know what to do and I lay down, lay low to try to find some motivation in life, something that really moved me. But I didn’t find anything. I struggled a lot. And believe me, sometimes I was so spaced out that I barely recognised myself in the mirror.

I have this dream to become a researcher and to build robots that help people with difficulties, like autistic people, especially children. In 2015, when I ended high school, I wrote this “thesis” about Icub. Icub is a very popular robot in Italy and I suggest you to go and read more about it, it is absolutely astonishing. Without going deeper, I thought at that moment that I was able to understand an autistic person because I had social anxiety. Nearly 10 year after, I can state that I’m autistic, and that is the reason why I can understand them. This is my diagnosis, this is why for several months I didn’t write anything on this blog, because I was confused.

Having this knowledge at 27 has brought me contradictory sensation. On one side I feel understood by people. On the other side, I’m finding my own way of copying with such strange feelings that sometimes I’m not able to describe. It is like learning something new after you’ve thought you knew nearly everything about yourself. The general anxiety disorder and the depression were finally explained: I’m a neurodivergent person living in a neurotypical environment. I’m trying to mimic something I’m not and that has brought me several identity crisis and what it consequences.

‘Trust the process’ is a sentence that is very recurrent for me. I never gave up on my dream, and my dream has lead me to have this knowledge about who I am. Now, have the starting point to accept me better. I can work on myself, understand who I really am and trying to accept it, not reject it.

I wanted to share with you my experience to tell you why it has been so difficult for me writing in the past months. I hope you’re doing well and I wish you a nice day!