Waking up for me its the worst part of the day. Is where everything started. Is where I start to doubt about my self-worthy. Negative thoughts literally kick me out, driving me insane. But why does it happen? Normally, it shall be the best part of the day. Is when everything start. Is when you discover what you will do and be excited about it. Why do I struggle so much? I’m not able to answer that question. It’s years in which I try hard to find a routine that suits me. But, now, I feel more lost than ever.

Since I can remember, the waking up moment was difficult. Thoughts about how to control my day came to mind. In high-school I started the day already tired. I needed to handle so many thoughts that going out of bed was unbearable. In university things did not change. I found myself thinking about which person I would have meet, about which past events hadn’t gone as planned. And a spiral of negative thoughts begun to emerge. It was (and still is) unbearable. When will this end?

By going deeper in my thoughts, I discover that perfectionism and fear of failing are present. Each morning I fear that I’m not able to keep up with what I have planned. I have the fear of being tired, of not being able to what I would like to do. If I make more effort than I planned, I feel tired, even though I’m not. I know I’m a perfectionist. And this attitude is driving me insane. Because it paralyzes me. It makes me feel unworthy, unable to react.

I remember that as a child, I was so happy that the day started. I was the first that I woke up in the morning and sneaked inside my parents’ bedroom. I do not know when it started, but I think that from the high-school my love for life began to diminish. I started to fit myself into schemas. I started to feel unworthy, unloved, not valued. I felt alone, despite I had a boyfriend, a best friend and a caring family. I think I was traumatized by that period. Because I was lost and had nothing to cling onto to feel better. It is so painful thinking about it. It gives me headaches.

I’m starting to think that from that moment on my life completely change, and I developed what recently discovered: mixed anxiety-depressive disorder. At that moment, I tried to cope with it by creating rules. I told myself ‘if I sleep at least 8 hours I will be able to control myself. If I study hard my parents will love me. If I’m a disciplined girl they will love me’. I was scared that also my parents would have left me and that I was left alone. I tried to be perfect despite perfectionism does not exist. And till now, everything must be perfect, otherwise I may be left alone.

Now, inside me two different sides are fighting: one that is anchored to the past and the other one that is willing to succeed in the present and future time. The first one embodies the child I was, the fear of being left alone. The second one embodies the adult version of myself, that is giving everything she has to succeed as an artificial intelligence engineer. Not for being loved by others but for following her dream of helping people through her knowledge.

This post describes how I feel every day in the morning. Probably how I have felt from 15 years on. If you relate to this reasoning do not be scared and try to go deeper inside your thoughts. You are capable of overcoming anything and I’m proud of you.

If you would like to tell your story, write it in the comment section.

Thank you for reading and hope you have a nice day!