When I was at school, I used to be alone all the time. The more I was alone, the more my anxiety grew. Once I called my grandmother to ask to help me out. She was far away from where I lived, so she could not help me. At that time, I did not know how to express my feelings. Being alone really teared me down. It frightened me, scared me. It still scares me now. The only way not to fell that emotions was to hide. It could be a physical place or dive into an activity. In both cases, I referred to it as shelter.

So, what is the definition of shelter for me? It is a real, imaginary place or an activity, which can be described as cozy, warm, safe. I start to use it when I was at the elementary school, at the age of nine. It seemed to me that no one could really understand me, no one could fill the void I was feeling inside. Lately, I realized that I was missing my grandad. He died when I was 6. I remember him as my favorite people in the world. He took care of me as no one did. Each time I was sad he was there. Each time I was happy he was there. He meant the world to me. And he was gone a long time ago. I come to realize that I’m not good at letting people. It means loosing someone. It imply being more lonely.

As soon I feel lonely, I start to have anxiety attacks. When I was in high school I used to have three best friends. I don’t know why, but they went away from me. Loosing them, letting them strengthen the idea of being awkward, being weird, being alone. I think I experienced there for the first time what now I would call depression. I start to isolate from the other, I start to detach from myself, from reality. And I start hide more in my shelter.

As soon as I got to know someone, either it is friendship or relationship, I built an unhealthy relationships. Thoughts that came into minds are “you shall devote yourself to them, otherwise they’ll leave”. I expressed those anxious feeling from my parents by getting good grade at high school and at University. I convinced myself that if I did not have good grades, they would not have loved me. It really hurts to thinking about it now, but I felt this way. That gave me more pressure, because I needed to perform good to be accepted, I did not have the possibility to fail. This was not healthy at all, and I’m carrying now the consequences.

Some days ago, I spent the entire day watching the television and trying to understand why I needed that, what were the thoughts behind this action. What it came to mind that, when I was a child, my only friend was the television. I used to watch it when I felt lonely. Each time I have the impulse to procrastinate, is because I would like to hide in the somewhere not to feel the weight of my anxious thoughts. The actions I perform to hide from reality are different, they may be listening to music, watching tv, using phone, sleeping.

Now, that I’m aware of what I’m running from, I’ll try to tell myself “you do not need to over perform both in relationship and University. You may make mistake, you may discuss with someone. But, it does not mean that they will leave. It does not mean that you are not worthy to be loved. You are ok, you are in the right place. Take your time, do the things you love. Don’t be angry at yourself, be proud of what your are doing. You are worthy.”

Thank you for reading. I hope it helps you through your healing/growing processes. Never ever give up for anything. If you want to share your story, write it on the comments.

I hoper you have a nice day!