More than one year ago, my therapist told me I had 80% of the energy a non-depressed person would have. I didn’t believe her. Why on heart should that be possible? How was I so low in energy? But then.. Then I began to realise it was actually true. Doing more than one thing for me was heavy, in a strange way. I did not have the mental and physical energy to carry on my daily routine, which could have been only of cooking, doing laundry, working, studying. I just laid on the sofa and on the bed, and I was tired. So.. in the end what she told was the truth.

In my journey, I’ve experienced (and I still am experiencing) ups and downs. In some days I thought that I have the energy to carry on what I thought I can do, but, then, I couldn’t. Why on heart was I not able to achieve something so simple like doing the laundry? Doing physical exercise? Cooking? It can be that either I planned to much tasks on one day or that I had something that took me the energy to carry on what I would have like to. In either scenarios, I immediately feel guilty.

To cope with this feeling, I’ve started to implement a new strategy: keep track daily about the task I wish to carry on. Some times I succeed, some times not. In the latter case, it feels like a spiral of negative unconscious thoughts are keeping me from moving. Like I feel paralysed, without knowing why. In this moment, I try to stop and listen to myself. Breathing, practicing mindfulness exercises to stay in the present and try not to follow that spiral of negative thoughts. It really helps me to write everything down, either in a diary or in this blog. Someone has also suggested me to have a list of situation/scenarios/thoughts that may be the trigger of this paralysis. By doing so, you can be more aware on why you are experiencing that feeling and try to cope with that situations/thoughts. Recently, things have started to get a little bit better. I’ve started to cooking on a daily basis (mostly), doing grocery on a weekly basis, planning the week weekly. It has took me nearly a year to start again doing sport regularly, and I’m still struggling. But, I’m doing my best and that is enough.

I cannot tell you that fighting against depression is easy. But I’m sure that you would. It’ll take time, you shall learn each day what is best from you. Try, maybe understand that something is not good in this moment, and then try again. As I’ve stated, if you are in a situation like I’m, you’re not at your fully potential. You’re recovering from something shall not be underestimated. But never give up, I know you’ll win this battle. And I’m sure that if you continue going on, you’ll see daily that something in you has change. And, in less than you expect, you’ll be able to do what you want to do. Try to listen to yourself and not pretend too much.

I hope that my experience is helpful for you. In the meantime, thank you for following me this far.

I hope you have a nice day!