Today the therapist gave me my diagnosis. The outcome is that I have a mixed anxiety-depressive disorder with obsessive thoughts. I felt like the world was weighting so much on my shoulder that I could barely breathe. But, this diagnosis makes actually sense to me: I was (and partially am) depressed and I had a lot of anxious thoughts and routines. I was (and sometimes am) no more able to control my mind. I cannot focus on daily basis tasks. I’m scared of the world and I hide myself in my shelter. It was easier not cope with what I hade in mind rather than facing it. But understanding my symptoms will allow me to cope with all these sensations.

The moment I read my diagnosis was so painful that I could not move. In was telling myself: ‘Is this real? Am I really depressed? Do I really have an anxiety disorder? Do I really have obsessive thoughts?’.

In the afternoon I reacted really good. I talked to my mother, I went to study at the library. But, at 16.00 I started to have anxiety thoughts. I started to type on the internet every word unknown I found on the diagnosis. And it got worse. Because I know that what I read was real. Not because it was written somewhere on the internet. But because it gave voice to how I was feeling on the inside.

I continued to study for like one hour that I called my mother. I needed to talk to her. And it really helped me. We had a nice chat. She gave me her opinion, her support, and I felt better. When I returned home I talked with my boyfriend, I enjoyed an home-cooked fish meal. We saw together a James Bond film and went to bed.

It really helped staying with my family. Feeling the warm they gave to me. I was not alone. I know it’ll take some time to accept what I have. To heal. I was impressed by myself. I was (and am) proud about the healing journey I’m doing. Ups and Dows are part of it. It will be a long journey. But I will never give up.

If you are reading this and you are in a similar situation, I’m here for you. Never give up. Talk to someone, write down, try to do something that really helps you. Be always proud of yourself. ALWAYS.

If you what to share your story, write it in the comment. If you prefer, send me an email.

Thank you for reading and hope you have a nice day!